Picking my poison

Sorry I didn't blog yesterday, but I had a baby!

Just kidding. This kid needs at least three more months to cook. This is a picture of me and MH when she was about five seconds old at her first doctor's appointment.  We're both exhausted (obvs), but it's that slumber party kind of exhaustion, you know? Where you feel all loopy but you're having so much fun, you don't want to go to sleep. (Except in this case, I do want to sleep, but every time I do, I wake up in a rush of sheer panic screaming, "Where's the baby? Is she dead?" Ah, the bliss of new motherhood.)

Anyway, I've been having infants on the brain lately. Of course, since I'm gonna push one out of my vagina this summer. But also because I've been struggling with what to do after that. Not immediately after, because my plan is to down some fast food and a giant ass coke and then go to sleep. I mean, 6-12 weeks after.

See, right now I have two jobs. (Three if you count being a mama, which I don't because it's not a job. Work, yes. But it's not like I clock in and do my shift and then clock out and can quit at any point.) I know, two jobs = not lazy. I agree. This work schedule is driving me batshit. But I can't decide which job to quit.

Do I keep the office job, which is boring but not stressful. The company is great, I love my boss, and it's super family-friendly in the sense that I can email at a moment's notice and say "Sorry, kid's sick" and nobody will give me beef. The benefits are amazing, but the pay isn't great. In fact, I'll have to hand over about 90% of my paycheck to cover preschool/daycare for both kids. (But it's amazing preschool/daycare and MH has no issue going there all day long. She loves it.) But the pay will only get better with time, and meanwhile, I'm getting health insurance, a pension, and a retirement account.

Or do I keep the teaching job, which is interesting but a dead end. No benefits at all. I don't get paid when I'm not teaching and every semester I have to hold my breath and hope that I can get enough classes. But, I only have to work 8 hours a week and because we won't have insane daycare bills, the money will actually be slightly better. You know, when I'm teaching and there is money. And if you don't count that I will have zero benefits and we'll be paying more for health insurance and not saving as much for retirement, etc.

Anyway, I can't seem to decide because both seem like bad choices.

Sometimes, it seems like staying home and adjuncting is the way to go. I envision playdates at the park, doing meaningful craft projects with my toddler, walking a ton and losing my baby weight and then some. But I also know the reality is most likely going to be me, sitting in a messy house, with a crying infant and a sobbing toddler (let's be honest, all three of us will be in tears). And I'll just be like, "Fuck it!" and turn on a Yo Gabba Gabba marathon just to get some peace.

Then I imagine going to work. Actually having a reason to get up and get dressed every morning. Having 40 hours a week to myself where I have adult conversations and I'm building a "career" or whatever (really, it's more like I'll have time to read the internets and watch the X-files uninterrupted by children). But I know the reality is I'll stumble out the door in a milk stained shirt, spend the day pumping my boobs in some broom closet, and then race over to daycare to pick up my kids so I can immediately jump into the hell that is dinner and bedtime.

So which choice is worse? Both will make me miserable, but which is the misery I can live with? Ah, these are great times we are living in. Feminism!